Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Imagine

14 Comments

Imagine you’ve lived on your own for over 100 years. Sure the only reason you could is because people helped along the way, but you had your own space. You had your own things around you, things that reminded you of places and people you’ve loved.

And then imagine the day comes that you can’t live alone anymore and you find yourself in a cramped and overheated space with strange sounds and sights, strangers in and out of your small space, other people determining when you sleep and when you are awake, what you eat, when you shower.

You are depressed.

Your things are gone, your space is gone, your pet is gone, your friends are far away. Only your family and your memories remain.

Your family tries to make it better but there is no better here. They remind you to get out of bed and move your feet and legs but you don’t want to. They try to entertain you when they visit but the visits are never frequent enough even when they occur every day. And they can’t change the reality.

You are tired.

You can’t see very much, can’t hear anything when your hearing aid is away being repaired. Your roommates change but are similarly confused and wandering.

You are scared.

There are noises in the hall that you can’t identify. You can’t tell when people are headed into your room or when they are just passing by.

You are dependent on strangers.

You used to be independent. You like to tell people that you always did things for yourself. You tell people you don’t like to be a burden. That you like to make your own decisions.

But you are allowed so few decisions now.

You recognize that your time is short. And you’re not sure if that isn’t a good thing. Because you can’t imagine your life moving forward like this forever.

You never imagined life ending this way. Or that the gift of living to be 101 could be so hard.

Just never imagined.

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Author: dawnkinster

I'm a long time banker having worked in banks since the age of 17. I took a break when I turned 50 and went back to school. I graduated right when the economy took a turn for the worst and after a year of library work found myself unemployed. I was lucky that my previous bank employer wanted me back. So here I am again, a long time banker. Change is hard.

14 thoughts on “Imagine

  1. So sensitive and so true. It’s so sad (((hugs)))

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  2. Sadly beautiful. As we age, we regress a little each year, but with the heaviness of the knowledge of what we were.

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  3. It’s important to express ourselves, and you have done so beautifully. Stay the course. I need you commenting on my blog!!! — Rusha Sams

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  4. Beautiful and heartbreaking. Change is so hard.

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  5. Had a long conversation last night with a 95-year-old friend, recently moved from her house to a group home. She says she wants to live to be 100, but “Then that’s that.” Age can be amazing.

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  6. Is your Aunt needing some type of medical care there? If not, can she go to a different place? There are lots of places that let you bring some of your belonging and still get care. If she doenst need true medical care, then maybe she can go some place else. I realize money is always a big factor in theses things. Sorry this is happening.

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    • At the moment all she needs is meds dispensed and meals. Which she could get at a nicer, less ‘nursing home’ place. But she will soon need more as she has a heart valve problem. The nicer place said if there was an incident they’d send her to the hospital, at which time we have to find a place for her all over again. Though I suppose we’ve got her in a nursing home only in the event of the incident we expect to happen any time. If the doctor was wrong about the heart valve then we are subjecting her to something scary that might not be necessary. It’s so hard to know what to do.

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  7. Yes SO very hard to know what to do….or how to do it best. If it were me I’d rather let go, but we don’t exactly have a choice….
    I’m so sorry Dawn.

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    • I think she’d rather let go too…but that’s not the way it’s happening. And of course we wish we could make it better for her, after living to be 101 it just seems the end should be better.

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