Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

One last hour

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If I could have one hour to spend with anyone, living or dead, I’d spend it with my mother.

I woke last night at 1:00 in the morning with that sentence running through my head.  I slowed my thoughts down a bit and explored the concept.  Was I sure it would be my mother?  Out of all the people in the world, back through all eternity?

Yes, if it could only be one, than she was it.

I’d sit across a small table from her, out on a bluff above the ocean on a pretty spring day with seabirds floating on a breeze that made the grasses dance.  I’d ask her questions. How long did it take you to grieve your mother; when did you start to feel better?   When grandma died, so long after grandpa, did you feel like an orphan even though you were an adult?  What’s heaven like anyway?  Is dad there with you every day?  Did you get to see your folks, and your own grandparents?  Your brother?   Can you really see us down here?  All the time?  Or just when we want you to, because sometimes I do stuff I’d rather you didn’t know about.  What’s the secret ingredient in your potato salad?

I’d ask questions, but mostly I’d just sit and listen and look.  I’d memorize her face and her voice, soak in the ‘momness’ of her.  File it away to be taken out and examined later.   And when the hour was gone saying goodbye would be excruciating.    But no more excruciating than these past ten years have been, no more excruciating than the next ten will be.  I’d hug her tight until she disappeared – until she became nothing but a wisp of sweet air.

And then I’d find myself hugging only me.

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Author: dawnkinster

I'm a long time banker having worked in banks since the age of 17. I took a break when I turned 50 and went back to school. I graduated right when the economy took a turn for the worst and after a year of library work found myself unemployed. I was lucky that my previous bank employer wanted me back. So here I am again, a long time banker. Change is hard.

12 thoughts on “One last hour

  1. I think she gave you the best answer of all – she is there every day with you – in your heart – loving you just as much as you loved her. What a totally beautifully written memory.

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  2. To be able to feel that much love for someone is a gift.

    We’ll all be sending you a hug today, your mom will too.

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  3. “Hugging only me.” Are you sure that’s not a heavenly hug from your Mom?
    I was asked and if I would want one more day with Joe. I wrote about it here http://oddlovescompany.com/2010/07/one-more-day-with-joe/
    Lovely dream.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There is so much love, so much tenderness in this blog. I think, now that I am older, how much more I wish I knew about my mother – how I wish I had seen her as a person with a history that built the mother I knew.

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  5. Beautiful expression of love, Dawn. Hugs from Northport!

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  6. I think that even if she doesn’t always answer your questions, your mom is still right there. She’s very obviously rooted in your heart.

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  7. This breaks my heart, Dawn. I still have my mother here with me, and too often, I find myself frustrated that she can’t do the things she once did. And then I confess I get short-tempered with her, and I feel awful about it. You’ve given me some wise advice — enjoy her while she’s alive — and I intend to take that to heart — thanks!

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