I was driving home from doggie school this morning when suddenly I missed my Mom so much. I don’t know what triggered it; maybe I saw something that unconsciously reminded me of her, or perhaps I heard something on the radio. I just don’t know. Do you ever have moments like that out of the blue?
Mom died almost nine years ago and in the beginning I had “Mom moments” like this all the time and just about anywhere I went. Seemed like everything reminded me of her whether I was at the grocery store or in the back yard. You could catch me crying at the oddest things and in the strangest places. As the years passed those overwhelming moments came less frequently and were less painful. Mostly now I remember things about her that make me smile.
Sometimes it seems Mom gets lost in all the stuff we do for truck safety which centers around Dad and the crash that took him from us. That work keeps Dad near the front of our minds as we work capital hill or write about truck issues from home. We’re always describing the crash and Dad and why change is so important. We don’t have a similar cause for what took Mom but her loss is just as keenly felt.
I remember a couple of years after they both died while having a bad moment I thought I’d just call Mom and ask how long it took her to recover from Grandma’s death, sort of ask for a road map for parental grief. It seemed like a good idea and made me feel better to think about talking to her. For a moment. Until I remembered again that the time to ask those kinds of questions was gone.
Today, years after she left, I am surprised at the intensity of my Mom moment. I didn’t mind when it descended on me during the drive, it felt strangely nice and rather familiar to be back in the throes of grief, as if I were giving her due, her share of attention, making sure she is still included in my life. We’re planning our next trip to Washington, so Dad is right there as usual and maybe this was a reaction to dredging up those memories again. Or maybe it was just a random thing totally unrelated.
Or maybe, sometimes, a girl just misses her Mom.